Contemplating life...

Do you ever wake up one day and wonder who you are?  For so long you are defined by titles... my parent's daughter, so and so's sister, his girlfriend, his wife, their mom... but who am I?  I have liked all of my titles and my most favorite has to be my kid's mom but as they are growing up and need me less I find that I wonder who I am?  What do I want to do?  Where do I want to go in life?  Am I where God wants me to be? 

So, we all have this purpose in life.  Our purpose at times may seem insignificant to us.  We are not known by the world or even by Canadians or Manitobans.  We may just be known in our community.  We feel that we have not accomplished some great feat nor will we ever be voted for a Nobel Peace Prize.  We have not been on tv nor has a story been written about us in the paper.  The biography that would be written about us  would only have a few pages because our history would not be as exciting as others. 

But what if up until now you have followed the path your life has taken and it has been the right one?  It may not have been a huge party and fireworks kind of path but it was your path.  In the Christian world we call this our journey.  It may be somewhat insignificant to the rest of the world.  It may seem boring and mundane at times.  It may seem to have had too much heartache and grief.  It may seem that your journey hit a few roadblocks along the way and you have been stuck a couple of times.  But, it is your journey.  You cannot go back and do it again so what has happened is done and dwelling in the past (I have found) accomplishes nothing other than we can learn from it.  (sorry that was a run-on sentence but I had so much to say).

I have berated myself for not being further along in life.  I should know this stuff by now. I should not still be struggling with self esteem issues at my age.  I should have run a marathon by now.  And for the last decade or so I feel my greatest achievement has been raising my kids.  But, you know what I have loved being a mommy.  I can't imagine if I did not have my kids in my life.  They have been my world.  A little bit of a warped world at times but it is my world.  I have been there for them.  I have listened to them practice in a variety of bands,  watched them at sporting events and listened to them perform at concerts.  I have talked to them late at night about problems, taken care of them when they were sick. worried about them, cooked for them, laughed with them, gone on road trips with them...  So, maybe I have been right where I was supposed to be - with my kids. 

On our road trips to Colorado we have gotten lost a couple of times.  I am so bad with directions.  I would never do well on Amazing Race.  Sometimes, in life we might feel like we get lost for a while but you know what eventually we did make it to Colorado.  It was a huge celebration when we got there!  We made it!  Maybe you are like me and you feel that you may have lost who you were along the way.  I think I discovered that I was not the centre of attention and it was okay to just be Lucas' mom, Nolan's mom and Marissa's mom.  I will always be there Mom.  They have needed me along the way and I have needed them.  There is a season in your mothering where you are needed more than you can handle and you are looking for a way out.  That's okay.  But, there comes a day where our children will not be as demanding on our time and maybe you will be like me contemplating life...

Moving out

       I remember two years ago when my oldest son moved out.  I went through so much questioning on whether I had taught him everything that he needed to know in life.  In one month my middle child (son) will also be leaving home and my oldest son will be moving back for the summer.  I am going through a "empty nest revolving door syndrome." 
       ... when they are babies there are important things that we need to teach them for their own safety.  Don't touch a hot stove, always hold your mom's hand when you cross the street, don't put peas up your nose.  As they get older the teaching changes and we start to teach them life lessons - how to be a good friend, being respectful, making good choices.  And then it comes to the day when you really have to cut the apron strings and let them go.  This is what we have been training them for - life on their own, life outside your watchful eye and sheltering arms. 
      The questions begin to go through your mind.  Have I taught them everything that they need to know out there in the dark and dangerous world?  Have I equipped them with the knowledge they will need to make the right choices?  Will they know how to make a healthy, decent meal?  The worries and thoughts go through my head until finally I realize I have done the best that I can do.  I have loved them unconditionally and tried to teach them what is right and what is wrong.  I have to cut the apron strings and push them out of the nest.
      So, each night and during the day I send up a prayer for their protection.  And I hope that when they reach out their hand to touch the hot stove they will hear my voice in their head saying HOT.  And I hope that even though they may not hear me say I love you every day they will hear it in their hearts.